Other than Dead
by ArticWords
Summary: With his last breath Spike denied that Buffy loved him.  Now he has a second chance to believe in her love and to save Buffy from herself.  Unfortunately for him Buffy is quickly running out of time and Spike can only use people from his past to help.
1. Prologue:  Message to the dead

Disclaimer: Personally I love reading Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction almost as much as I love watching the amazing show created my Joss Wheaton, who owns all rights to the characters of both Buffy and Angel, and I am in no way getting anything out of writing this, other than personal joy.

Authors Note: This is my first fanfiction and I hope you all like it! I am pretty sure that I want to continue writing it but I would love some reviews on if you guys like the idea. The prologue is just an intro because I needed to change the way the show ended a little, it has up through season 7 of Buffy spoilers but ignores almost all of Angel, especially season 5.

Rating: M for strong language I'm not much of a smutty author.

Prologue:

They had made it, if not all in one piece at least alive. Buffy barely registered that the others were talking. She felt so much lighter now than she had before the battle and she couldn't quite figure out why. Her mind raced by things like, maybe cause I'm not the only slayer anymore, and I always feel lighter after we end an apocalypse, but in her heart she knew the real reason. Half of her heart was gone, Spike was gone and he didn't even believe that she had loved him.

" Yeah Buffy what are we going to do now?" Dawn ripped her back into reality and she released the breath that she didn't know she had been holding. Turning slowly from the great gaping pit before her she looked into her friends faces. They were all looking as battle warn as her. They smiled just as warmly, despite the dirt and grime, as they did after every adverted disaster, all of them accept Xander. In his eye she could see her own grief mirrored back at her. Without words she walked over to her friend and held him close to her, and he leaned into the silent connection that only people who have lost their other half can know.

The smiles faded from the group's faces as they watched Buffy and Xander silently grieve together, as the weight of everything they had lost came back to them. Willow, Giles and Dawn all looked down at the pit in front of them and realized that somewhere down there the bodies of Tara, Jenny and Joyce were now gone, sucked down into hell with the rest of the town. Their childhood homes, the places that had become familiar to them, all of the places that they had laughed and cried together were now gone. Yet when they looked the two people who had lost the most, they knew that they had no knowledge of grief in this moment, they all remembered in though and they hurt with their friends. For a brief moment Giles remembered the joy in his heart when he walked into his home and saw rose petals and candles scattered around and soft music drifting down the stairs, and then the world coming down around him when he made it to the top floor only to see Jenny laying dead on his bed. Willows mind flashed back to Tara standing in front of her beaming warmth and light onto her, and then the sudden stab of pain when that warmth was replaced with the heat of Tara's blood on her face and neck. No one dared ask Buffy again what they would do next because at that moment they all knew that all Buffy wanted to do was die.

They turned away from everything that they had known and slowly got back onto the buss where Robin and Faith clung to each other. Xander pulled back from Buffy and tiled her chin up so that she was looking into his eye, "There's nothing down there for us anymore, we have to move on."

"I know Xan but there is something that I have to do before we leave. He… he didn't believe that I loved him, and now he's gone Xan. I know you didn't like him but… I … he…" Words failed her and the tears that she had been fighting back sprang up. Why hadn't he believed her, in the end she had let down all of her bariers and he still hadn't believed her. Maybe if he had, maybe if she had opened up earlier, things would have been different, she could have found a way to save him.

Thoughts raced in her mind faster than she would have thought possible and they all began run together. Then all at once her mind stopped and she knew what she had to do.

Walking over to the edge of the pit she came so close that Xander put his hand on her shoulder to make sure she didn't jump. She looked back at him, "It's ok Xan I know what I'm doing," Once he had taken a step back and she was alone once more, she reached back into her waistband and wrapped her hand around a steak that she always carried there and held it in front of her. The wood still looked like it had particles of dust on it from the last vampire she had dusted. Slowly she looked over the whole thing and blew the dust from the crevasses and divots in the wood until it was perfectly clean.

A breeze drifted in from somewhere in the east and on it she could still hear his words "Blood is life, lack-brain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead." Her hand gently touched the wound on her stomach, when it came away it was covered in her blood and she lightly brushed it all over the stake. "It makes you other than dead" she whispered softly to herself. She let the stake fall from her hand into the abyss, "other than dead" she repeated as she turned away from the place that had always been her true home.

As Xander wrapped her under his arm they both began to cry and neither of them realized that the stake never hit the ground.


	2. Chapter 1: The Devil's in the Details

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own anything in either the Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel series... or are the franchises? Hmmm I may want to check that out because I do NOT want anything to happen to my poor story because of my ignorance. Oh well on with the story!

Authors Note: Spike is one of my FAVORITE characters, and because of that I do not really care for Riley... at all. So I tend to depict him an a harsh light. Also please let me know what you think and if I should keep going, this is all that I have written of it so far so I am open for any criticism that you can come up with!

* * *

><p>It was warm he realized with a start, shouldn't it, ya know, be hot or something? He had still been a vampire when he died, heaven wasn't really an option for him and everything that Angel had ever told him about hell made it seem hot. There was something else that bothered him, why the hell wasn't it more painful? All he could feel was warmth and peace and… "bloody hell".<p>

He opened his eyes when the familiar sent of hair gel filled the air. Sure enough there standing before him was none other than Angel. On a list of people that Spike wanted to see in his after life the great forehead himself was not on it. "Fuck we didn't even win did we. Otherwise you'd be alive and well then wouldn't ya, most likely trying to make a move on my girl after ole Spike was out of the way. Bloody hell, burst into flame and I still can't save the world." Angel mearly chuckled as he reached a hand down to help Spike up. Spike scoffed "Not bloody well likely" and picked himself up from the floor.

Taking in his surroundings as he straightened out his duster over his shoulders. There was nothing anywhere near him except for Angel. "So I have to fell ya Peaches if this is hell you grosely exaggerated." Spike glaced over his shoulder at Angel, "though if I have to spend an eternity with you I take that back"

"Your not in hell Spike"

"Great then where's Buffy I have something that I want to tell her." His eyes got sad. He hadn't exactly ended things with her on the right note.

"She's not here."

His eyes flashed with anger now. "I am seriously going to kill the Powers That Be if they sent her to hell and made me come here to spend eternity with you. If this is about the fact that she already got to go to heaven once and was pulled out then that was entirely not her fault. It should be Red that's in hell not her, and even then Red just missed her friend, how was she supposed to know where Buffy was! Though if she had asked me then I could have told her that…" his rant was cut short by the sound of Angel chuckling. "You think this is funny mate! Buffy's in hell! What part of eternal torment is lost on you. Should have known you didn't really care about her."

Spike was once again cut short by Angel, though this time it was because Angel's hand was on his throat cutting off the breath that he didn't really need. "Don't you dare question my love for her. I would give anything to have been the one to save her. Got that!" He released Spikes throat and looked him in the eyes "She's alive and frankly the reason that you're here." He pulled out a stake and Spike immediately knew that it was covered in her blood. The demon inside of his took over as he took the stake from Angel's hand. It was still warm.

He shook the demon from his face as he laughed quietly to himself "Leave it to my slayer to send a message to a vampire in the form of a stake."

When he looked up from the stake he realized that Angel was walking away from him. "Hey where do you think your going?"

"Your trial, Spike, and if your smart you'll follow me"

"Angelus you always did know just how to make a man follow you" he stood there for just a minute longer looking down at the blood soaked wood in his hand. She had told him that she loved him, and though he knew that she didn't mean it, it still meant something to him and having her blood this close to him made him miss her all the more.

"The only chance you have of seeing her again lies where I lead you Spike. Though the choice is really yours you know."

Spike swallowed hard. He really didn't like the idea of following Angel anywhere and certainly not to a trial. There was the other thing that bothered him, why was he on trial? Hadn't he already proved his worth when he had gotten his soul back? Did saving the world mean nothing to the Powers that Be?

Spike trotted a long ways back from Angel who didn't seem to mind the distance at all and grumbled to himself for quite sometime until he realized that he was not alone with Angel anymore. He looked up from his feet and saw a large wooden table standing starkly out against the bright white of his surroundings. Seated behind the table were several people that he never thought that he would have the chance to see again and several more people that he wished he wouldn't.

The first person that his eyes lighted on almost broke his heart. Joyce summers beamed across at him and his eyes welled up with tears. He had always liked the woman, she had been kind to him when no one else had and she was the only person who seemed to believe that he could be better than what he was. She had truly been one of the reasons that he had continually come back to Sunnydale. The only problem was that she looked so much like her daughter that it made the distance between him and Buffy seem so much larger than it had been moments before. He found himself wincing as he tightened his hand around the stake he had forgotten he was holding.

He forced his eyes away from her to the next person, and he started when he saw how close he was sitting to Joyce. Looking down her long nose right at Joyce's jugular vein was Drusilla. Her eyes slowly drifted to match Spikes glare and she slyly smiled at him as she raised one hand and slowly wiggled her fingers at him in greeting. Spike marveled at how little time had passed since he had thought that she was his princess and he would have done anything for her. Now he couldn't help but look at her with hatred and anger for all of the things that she had made him endure as well as Buffy.

In an attempt to shake off the anger that he felt rising to the surface he looked down at the next person who would, he assumed, be one of his judges. The sight of Riley didn't help quell his anger. Both of the last two times that he had seen Agent Finn he had tried to kill Spike and he had no indication that in his current position of power Caption Wonderbread had any intention of breaking his streak. For the first time since he had woken up in this strange place he felt truly worried.

As his eyes flicked to the next person it subsided a little. Bathed in white Tara looked a lot better than the last time he had seen her, and infinitely better than the last time any of the Scoobie gang had seen her. The way she looked at him made him stare in awe, so this is what a real honest to gosh angel looks like. She was perfect he could tell already good in everyway, just the sight of her made his heart want to beat again. His concentration on her was only broken as he caught out of the corner of his eye Angel sit beside her in the last seat at the table. She couldn't help but chuckle to himself, Angel next to an angel.

His laugh stopped though when he remembered that this was a jury and that Angel had mentioned this being the way that he could see Buffy. His eyes crossed the table once more as he stared again into each of their faces in turn. Joyce was sure to be on his and Buffy's side, she had always known that something was there between them and if she knew that he had been by Buffy's side when she'd come back from heaven surely she'd help. Drusilla wasn't likely to be in favor of sending him anywhere Buffy was. Riley seemed to be trying his hardest to dust him with a glare. Tara would do whatever was truly good and right he had no doubt about that. Then there was Angel who was just about as unlikely to help Spike get Buffy back as Drusilla. He sighed, two against three, should have known that his luck wouldn't have changed just because he was dead. Again.

"Spike do you know why you are here?" Riley was leaning across the table giving him his best I'm in charge of your fate so suck it look.

"Something about a trial but that's all Peaches would tell me. Why don't you enlighten me Wonderboy."

Drusilla laughed menacingly at him as she raised a finger to her lips and shushed him "Now, now no being naughty or I will have to have Daddy punish you."

Nope something's never change, Spike thought, Dru's still off her rocker and Riley is going to try and stake me again only this time I bet he doesn't do it with a plastic stake.

"You were the slayers chosen champion and you betrayed her trust and for that you have perished." Riley leaned back into his chair looking smug as he watched the emotion play across Spikes face. He had figured that he was dead, but then when Angel had mentioned Buffy being alive and maybe seeing her again he hadn't been sure. Now though it hit him like a rock. He was dead, eternally separated from his slayer and destined for hell.

Spike quickly shrugged it off taking on his bad ass persona once more, trying to hide how crushed he truly was inside. "Well that explains the whole white room asylum thing that you lot have going on here, but not why I'm standing here being judged by a bunch of white hats that I can only assume work for the bloody Powers that Be. I mean come on only they would chose you lot out of a crowd."

"You speak from your pain William." Tara's voice ripped through him though it was barely more than a whisper. The demon inside of him begged to be away from her goodness and beauty, it made Spike tremble. "I wish to speak to William now demon, be gone"

Spike felt like he was being ripped in two, or set on fire, or both. He was surrounded in light and he had to shut his eyes it was so bright. Then all at once he could feel the weight of his soul again, just as he had right before he had closed the hell mouth, but this time there was something missing from him. He quickly realized what it was he opened his eyes to see a shadowy form of himself all vamped out. As the realization that he was staring his demon in the face came over him he heard Drusilla shriek in delight.

"Look what a beautiful thing I have created. I am truly the worlds best mummy." She clapped and hopped up and down on her seat. "This is my son who the stars sang lullabies to and gently wrapped him in sleep. The pretty dove has taken him out of the silly dolly he was in. Miss Edith will be so sad that her playmate is gone though. She should learn not to talk so much though." She gently patted the doll in front of her, which had been affectionately gagged with a piece of silk cloth. Next to her Joyce looked a little nervous. Spike chuckled, he couldn't tell what she was more afraid of, the demon that cowered away from Tara but refused to take it's eyes off of Spike, or William, he wasn't sure who he was without the demon, or the crazed vampire next to her who was currently cooing at her doll. Perhaps this won't be as bad as I thought, Spike mused silently to himself, Dru doesn't seem to care one way or another about me, the only thing she ever loved was that damn demon she created.

As his eyes were once more drawn to Tara he realized with wonder that he had not really even seen her face at all. The demon inside of him had clouded his vision of her beauty and light. "Now William do you truly love Buffy Summers?"

Spike found that even if he wanted to he could not lie to this truly beautiful angel. "Yes I do. I realized that I was searching for her all of my life but never found her. I thank that stars above that I was turned so that I could be around long enough to see her face. I know that I am but a shadow around her beautiful sunlight, but when she shown down on me I was the shadow of a man, which is more than I ever, was when I was alive. She is my other half, the good that matches my evil, the light that matches my darkness and the beauty that matches my hideousness. I could write epic poems about her and it would still not be enough to tell her how I feel about her." When he was done he felt suddenly ashamed, he had forgotten what a ponce William really was, and how terrible he truly was at poetry.

"Why then did you deny her love for you? Why did you take away the one thing that would have made her complete and truly your equal in everyway?" Tara did not look judgmental in anyway she simply wanted to know.

"I… uh…. What?" For once in his life and unlife he was at a complete loss for what to say.

"Do you have any idea what you did to her when you denied with your last breath that she loved you?" Angel on the other hand sounded bitter and resentful, not that Spike had expected anything different.

"Naughty Spike. You've been a bad bad boy. You'll have to sleep outside tonight. Not even the stars will look at you, isn't that right Miss Edith." She turned back to cooing at the doll.

"She didn't though. She didn't, I mean doesn't, I mean didn't really love me. I didn't want the last thing that she said to me to be a lie. I would give do anything for her but the fact is she just doesn't feel the same way about me." Spike felt like someone had shoved a white-hot poker through her chest and hadn't even had the courtesy to make sure that it was wooden.

"Your belief that she didn't love you will finally be what curses you. I couldn't ask for a better punishment. To live eternally with the thought that the one woman in the whole world that you loved doesn't love you back. HA this is wonderful." Riley began to sway back and forth in laughter.

Then he stopped swaying and the laughter was taken from his lips. There was a blinding light from either side of him, and a voice ripped through the air seemingly from everywhere at once. "Hush Riley Finn, you were chosen because you were believed to love Buffy, though now it is clear that your humanity has been twisted beyond recognition and you care nothing for her. Get out of my sight." And just like that he was gone. When the light settled Spike looked at Tara to see if the voice had come from her, when she shook her head at his inquiring look he turned back to Joyce who was giggling and blushing. "I just hate to see people being bullied."

"That was bloody brilliant woman." He stopped for a minute musing over the event. "Hold on just as a manner of clarification. Soldier Boy was chosen because he loves Buffy right?"

"That's right."

"Then what the hell is she doing here," He pointed at Drusilla who had begun to hum to herself.

"She cares about the pretty demon she does, no one ever knew you like she did. Saw your dreams as they fell out your ears like raindrops or snowflakes." Dru was still signing as she looked at Spike almost with longing, "The storms dried you up though, no more pretty tap tap tap as they hit the ground."

Angel interrupted the moment in his own curt manner, "Now back to the matter in hand. Your lack of faith in the slayer has in fact caused your death, however it has also had other repercussions."

Buffy appeared in front of Spike, her smell filled the air and he felt as though if he could only reach just far enough he could touch her skin, which was radiating heat out to him. Then he knew something was wrong. She was smiling, but something in her eyes had changed. "My god" he breathed, "There's nothing there" He recognized the hollow black look wringed as it was in green. It was the same look that fledges had, there was nothing in there, no soul to keep her going.

"It's still there the nasty thing," Dru mused and she pulled at the hair of Miss Edith absent mindedly. "But it's all boxed up with a pretty bow on it, doesn't fight, doesn't heal, never sees the light of day, never speaks a word of truth," As if to accent her point she covers Miss Edith's already bound mouth and eyes. "Nothing left in the poor little dolly, just a plaything anymore."

"My poor baby, it was one battle too many for her. Getting over you was the one battle she couldn't win. It killed her soul." Joyce's voice was weak as she glanced at Buffy.

The figure moved a little faster, going through everyday activities, cleaning an apartment somewhere, patrolling a snow covered graveyard alone, making Dawns lunch then kissing her on the top of the head. Then she slowed down she was sitting on the side of a bed quite alone. All that Spike could see was her face, it never changed, until from somewhere deep down inside of her the last tear that she had welled in her eye and traced a path down her cheek down to her chin, where it dripped off and fell onto a railroad spike in her hands. "I'm so sorry Spike, I tried everything! You just… you're never… I can't make you anything other than dead."

"Oh no pet, don't do that." But she couldn't hear him after all he wasn't really there. She lifted the spike to her chest right over her heart and with a silent scream she pushed it through her chest and the image disappeared.

Both William and the demon next to him roared with anger and hurt. William collapsed onto the floor with his hands in his hair trying to rip it out by the roots. "Love" the rest of his words were incomprehensible and his breath was choked out by sobs that rocked through his whole body.

"You do love her don't you?" Angel asked.

"Of course I did I couldn't have loved anything more than I loved and now she's…. she's. Oh God" He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, it would make it too real.

"She's alive William and your love will give you another chance" Tara said. Spike looked up at her, though he still couldn't make himself get off his knees. "We have shown you what will become of her without you and your love by her side. You will go to her William but your lack of faith has consequences. She will not see you and you will remain dead to her until the day that you believe in her and trust her and yourself fully."

"Can I keep the pretty puppy. Mummy wants her little boy back." Drusilla was reaching across the table to the demon that Spike had forgotten was there.

Joyce was the first to speak up on that matter, "I believe that my little girl needs Spike back, not William," She paused when she saw the shocked look on Spikes face. "No office I'm sure that you were a great man William, but you are not the one that she fell in love with."

"I agree with Joyce." Spike could not believe his ears Angel thought that the demon should return to Buffy with Spike, he didn't even think that was a good idea. As if sensing his thoughts Angel responded, "Though I will never understand it, Buffy's heart is set. She is in love with the monster," He paused, almost questioning whether he wanted to continue, "and the man." He finished.

Spike could hear Drusilla whine in disappointment. "So it shall be. Goodbye pretty baby." Then there was a light and Spike was once more standing alone on the other side of the table. He felt the demon purr with contentment.

Angel sighed, "Do you wish to return to her now Spike?"

"Let me make sure that I have this right first. I can't talk to her or touch her and she's still going to think that I'm dead, right?"

"Correct."

"Well then can I leave things for her to find?"

"As long as they do not make her believe that you are alive, then yes and we will help her receive these messages. I will carry anything to her in person." That didn't thrill Spike, having Angel bringing things to his slayer was the last thing he wanted, but he had to admit he needed him.

"I will carry your words to her on the winds" Spike then realized that Tara's blinding light did give her a wispy air look.

"I'll make sure that my baby is never far from her mind. She'll never be able to forget my little Spike." Drusilla's proposition made him a little nervous, he would much rather have had her stay out of it all together, but who was he to turn down help.

"And I will allow you into her dreams. There and there alone will she feel your touch, see your face and hear your words. But be wary of this for in the morning it might make you seem all the more distant and far away." The look on Joyce's face made him really question how much he wanted to use her gift.

"I will caution you though, Riley's gift to you was time and protection, he could have stalled the very thing you saw for more than three years, without him she will be gone in just one."

A snarl tore through his lips. "If Buffy runs out of time I swear that I will find a way to rip out his throat. I will not lose her again."

"Do you wish to see her now Spike?" Angel asked again.

Spike thought about it. He was going to have to come up with a long term plan if he was going to save Buffy from herself. That worried him. He had never been much for sticking with a plan, but he could do it, he would do it for Buffy. "I do but first I'm going to need a journal and some photographs. Then I'll need your help Angel. Yours too Tara" As a journal and a photo that he hadn't known that Giles had taken appeared in his hands he whispered to himself, "I'm on my way love, just hold on a little longer.


	3. Chapter 2: Heartbeat in the Water

Disclaimer: The wonderful and great Joss Whedon is the genius that came up with all of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the before unmentioned Mutant Enemy and him own all of the rights to it and all of it's characters. I am but a small spinner of tales that is getting nothing from this but practice writing fiction, and a lesson in perseverance cause this story is shaping up to be pretty long just so you all know.

Authors Note: The day that I wrote this chapter I went to the funeral of a great man that I knew, so as a result this chapter talks quite a bit about death and is a little darker. Though I tend to be a slightly darker writer to begin with. On a slightly brighter note thanks to everyone that has decided to take the time to read my fic and get notices about when I update it. Seeing that really made my day a hundred times better. Also thanks to the people that have reviewed it for me, you guys rock and keep a writer writing. I hope you all have a great day and please review if you have something to say about it I'd love to hear from you guys

* * *

><p>Duh dum… Duh dum…. Duh dum. It seemed like the only time that Buffy could find solace anymore was when all she could hear was her beating heart. Dawnie was out for the day and so Buffy did what she always did when she had their small apartment to herself; she drew a cold bath. When she put her head under the freezing water all she could hear was her rapidly increasing heartbeat. If the water was cold enough she could imagine that she was wrapped up with Spike in his crypt again. "God, luv, I could just lay here forever and listen to your heartbeat. So beautiful." She'd gotten mad when he'd said that and pretty sure she had hit him as hard as she could before she left. She had always done that whenever he made her feel pretty or reminded her that she was alive. It was even worse when he made her remember that she was worth something.<p>

Sighing, she slipped farther under the water so that her whole head was submerged and let out all of the air that she had in her lungs. Since she was the slayer, a slayer she reminded herself, so she could hold her breath for an unnaturally long time. She liked hearing the bubbles make their way to the surface of the water and escape. Slowly her heart began to slow down from the lack of oxygen in her system. It would only be a matter of time before she would have to come out from her own little bubble of peace into the real world which was just too harsh for her, but this time she would hold onto it just a minute longer, stay there just for one more moment.

_What would it be like to die again_? Her mind wandered there now more often than was most likely natural. It had been terrifying the first time, when The Master had suddenly told her that she was in fact to blame for his rising. Even then there was a calm that washed over her when she realized that there was nothing that she could do about it anymore.

The second time had been so much different. Holding Dawn's gaze as she told her the truths about living and this world, "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it". It was true; death wasn't that scary when you got right down to the minute of it. In a way it was all that stuff leading up to it that was scary: the planning and the avoiding but when you got right down to the moment, that inevitable moment when there was nothing left but certainty, it was all peace. Somehow when you stopped running from it and looked it straight in the eyes death always became a friend and you were ready.

Spike had proved that. He said he could feel his soul in that last minute, and that he wanted to see how it ended, and he did. She couldn't imagine her Spike closing his eyes at the last moment just to skip the scary part. Death had been cruel to Spike and it had made him suffer. It was still his friend though, and even through that pain; he welcomed it with open arms.

She felt herself being suddenly dragged upwards, but not just the normal impulse that her body made to force her up to the air. Panting as she regained some sense of where she was she noticed that she was no longer in the bath at all, but rather laying naked sprawled on the bathroom floor. Confused she looked around her increasingly familiar surroundings and noticed that she was not the only one in the bathroom. A loud snarl ripped through the room and she quickly recognized it as vampire in nature, and extremely familiar. "Angel?"

Suddenly it seemed as though Angel remembered that he was no longer Buffy's boyfriend, and that the last time that they had gotten close she had turned him away. He quickly got up from her white tiled floor and turned around to face the wall away from her, placing his hand in front of his eyes to insure that he didn't see anything more than he already had. "You're umm uh," he paused awkwardly not sure whether or not to continue, "you're naked Buffy."

Remembering herself through her shock she ripped the towel from the bar that was mounted firmly on the blue green walls of the bathroom and wrapped it around her feeling embarrassed. That embarrassment quickly turned to anger as she realized just exactly what had happened. "Well yeah Angel most people bathe naked, shocking as it may be to your delicate old world sensibilities. And would you mind telling me just EXACTLY what you are doing in my apartment never mind my bathroom. How the hell did you get in here?"

Sensing she was at least partly decent again Angel turned around to look at a dripping and very pissed off slayer glaring at him wearing nothing but a purple towel and water. The sheen from the light reflecting off her damp hair made her look almost angelic and she was still one of the most beautiful things that Angel had ever seen. Then he remembered the look on Spike's face when he had watched her die, and the fact that every moment that he stood there he was getting closer to her death. A death that he could do nothing to stop. "Well Dawn invited me in over a month ago when you two first moved in, and"

Buffy cut him short, "Dawn would never do that, she hates you. You and Dawn are two very not mixy things." Her face turned up into a half smirk when she remembered the time that Dawn had walked in on her and Angel kissing through the window when Buffy had not been allowed to leave the house after that whole Bezore fiasco in the school basement. Dawn had pushed Angel the rest of the way out the window and off the roof of the house. He had rolled into the bushes and made a thump so loud that her mom had run into the room demanding to know what was going on. Buffy just barely made her mom believe that it was an extraordinarily large cat that had scared poor Dawn into her room. After that she'd had to give Dawn half her allowance and watch stupid kid movies with her for a month before she could be convinced not to tell their mother that she had seen them.

"Well she was worried about you and told me to come drop in whenever to come check on you two," he paused again, this awkwardness between him and Buffy was getting even worse as he slowly realized just how wonderful she looked in just about anything and how much better she would look in nothing at all. "I think she was worried about you" he concluded after some time.

She must be worse off than she thought if Dawn had resorted to calling Angel. The only person that hated Angel more than her sister was Spike. At the thought of Spike she wrapped her towel a little closer around her, "Maybe we should continue with this conversation when I'm a little less," she looked down at her rather revealing outfit, "naked" she decided shrugging her shoulders apologetically.

"Yeah, right, sure," Angel turned suddenly and stalked out of the bathroom. Buffy almost laughed watching his hasty retreat.

"Now Angel there's a right git for ya," she could almost hear Spike's voice as a slight breeze floated past her, "have you ever noticed he never walks anywhere? He stalks or literally broods his way from one room to the next! It would be fascinating to watch if it wasn't so blooding irritating."

She quickly ran from the bathroom to her bedroom, which was simple compared to what her room had been like in Sunnydale. Back home, as she still lovingly referred to the hole in the ground where her entire world once had stood, she had had posters and butterflies littering the walls, and that glorious carved wood chest for all of her various weapons. Now all that was in her room was a small desk where various papers, mostly bills and rent notices, were thrown casually about, a small cardboard box which contained a crossbow and extra bolts and a few crudely wittled stakes plus Mr. Pointy, and finally a small double bed with a white quilt laid carefully over it.

She lovingly ran her hand over the quilt as she thought about the red silk sheets that were underneath it. She had been walking through the store one day, looking for things to make Dawn feel more at home when she had spotted them in the linens section. She didn't know why but they reminded her of Spike and his comfortable bed downstairs in his crypt. That is before her and Riley had blown it up when Spike decided to sell demon eggs on the black market. She loved slipping into bed each night; sometimes if she was tired enough she could pretend that Spike was just late in getting home and that he would be there when she woke up. She jerked her hand away from the bed, he was never coming back she reminded herself, _he's dead._

With some lingering remorse she turned towards her closet and began to shuffle through the clothing that hung there. It was almost all black, fitting for a slayer but there were a few blue and red button ups that she would pull on just to keep him close. Moving these aside, she would not be able to face Angel wearing one of those even Xander gave her pitying looks when he saw her in them, she dawned a simple black tank top and jeans. She decided against socks and just threw her now long blonde hair into a tight pony-tail, she didn't want to look like she tried too hard for him. She looked at her desk where the now small amount of makeup she owned lay, but figured she was still too mad at him for breaking her out of her bubble of peace to bother with it.

Striding out into the small living area that was separated from their kitchen only by a low countertop, she looked at Angel who was fiddling with a small book in his hands. The book looked very small in his too large hands. Everything about Angel was larger than life she thought. His hands dwarfed hers, and he stood at least six inches taller than Buffy if she didn't have on any heels. "Don't forget his forehead love, you could bounce a fifty cent piece off that thing never mind a quarter!" She laughed, Spike had always had a bizarre obsession with Angel's forehead in her opinion.

Turning at the sound of her laughter Angel stood quickly up and turned around. It was the first time that he had seen any spark in her eyes at all. He briefly wondered if she was laughing at his nervous nature or if Spike was using Tara's gift to make fun of him. Sighing he realized that for the first time since meeting Spike all those years ago he really didn't care what he did as long as it kept making Buffy's eyes sparkle once more with life and drive.

"So you never answered my other question," Her words drew Angel back out of himself.

"And what was that again?"

"You told me how you got into my apartment, though I still have a hard time believing it, but you never told me why you found the need to barge in and pull me out of my bath." She placed one hand squarely on her hip and gave him a look daring him to explain his actions fully.

"Well I did try and call this morning but no one answered, and then I got worried when I didn't hear anything back all day, cause I think that I left all of my information on the answering machine." He glanced over to the receiver where the message light was still blinking, "Though I don't think that you got it. Then when I got here your door was unlocked, and I got a worried."

"Honestly the whole slayer thing is kind of a night gig, so it's not like I'm bushy tailed Buffy too early in the morning. But again your not really answering my question Angel. Why are you here?" she glanced down at the book in his hands that he was once again flipping through. Buffy could tell that it was a journal of some sort, but it wasn't just filled with writing. It almost looked like there were drawings in it as well, but even if she had vampire sharp vision she didn't think that she would have been able to tell what they were of with the speed Angel was flipping through the pages.

"Well I umm, I have something for you. It's a journal." He sheepishly handed the book over to her.

"Your journal. Angel why are you,"

Angel cut her off, he chuckled to himself, they had been going back and forth like this all day. Where had the simple days where they could just spend time silently walking through the soon to be dusty graveyards of Sunnydale gone. Those times were too long ago to go back to now he realized. "It's not mine Buffy."

As she took it from Angels hands it seemed to warm with familiar touch and she could swear that she could almost smell the old leather and cigarette smoke from it. She gasped as her suspicions were confirmed, "It's Spike's!" She slid the photo from its place tucked between the first page and cover. A single tear fell onto the image of a too bleached blonde head rolled back in laughter. The picture had obviously been taken at her last disastrous birthday party when Dawn had wished that no one would be able to leave. A much younger looking Buffy was shyly smirking and glancing sideways at Spike who was laughing as hard as he could at something funny that she had said. Giles had been the only one who had a camera that night and he must have captured them in some secret joke when they were too wrapped up in each other to notice. "Angel how did you get this?"

There was no doubt that it was truly Spikes journal, because the front page was written on in elegant flowing handwriting, the only evidence that anyone had that Spike had once been William the poet. "William the bloody awful poet pet, don't forget the most important part of that." A stray thought crossed her mind, she had been hearing Spikes voice more than was normal even for her, and for once she was hearing him respond to her thoughts in more than the normal canned phrases that her mind normally came up with, and much more frequently than was surely healthy. As the smell of the leather book in her hands once again came to her she pushed the thought to the back of her mind to be dealt with later.

"I received it in the mail a few days ago with a letter that said and I quote. 'If I don't make it out of Sunnydale alive give this to Buffy for me. Don't read it yourself though….. oh and keep your hands away from my girl ya poof! –Spike' I haven't read any of it though. I think that he sent it to me out of desperation." Angel seemed to regain some of his normal swagger now that the book was no longer in his possession and the story had been told, Buffy decided to write it off to the fact that the temptation to read it was now gone.

"Do you have any idea what's in it? Or when he wrote it?" She knew that the simplest way to figure that out was to read it herself but she was scared to even open it. What if it was from when he wanted to kill her? Or when he went to Africa to get his soul? Buffy shuttered at the thought of what Spike had gone through for her. Another almost more terrifying thought came quickly after the first two. What if the journal contained what Spike had gone through in the 147 days that she was gone? In a way though that would be oddly comforting, knowing what he went through when she was dead. Spike had been much more creative than her though. He had come up with a different way to save her every night. In the 93 days he had been dead she's only been able to tell her that she loved him and had him believe her, as though that would somehow save him.

"I didn't read any of it. Somehow I think that Spike would figure out a way to come back and haunt me from beyond his dusty grave."

"Don't worry I think he will anyway for that little stunt you pulled in the bathroom." She laughed again. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone about Spike that in someway understood. Buffy talked to Xander every now and then but well any more her and Xander didn't really talk much. Pulling away from that thought she stumbled back onto something that had been bothering her earlier. "Angel why did you pull me out of the bath?"

He got uncomfortable again and started to shift his weight back from one foot to the other, apparently unable to stand still. "You didn't answer when I called out your name, so I searched room to room until I finally opened the bathroom door, I saw you blow all of the air from your lungs so I quickly backed out of the room figuring that I would wait till I heard you breach the surface and call again. I waited outside for a really long time without hearing you come back up for air and I got worried." He looked back down at the ground, "guess I've been doing that a lot today." When he raised his gaze back to her too large green eyes he looked deeply remorseful, "I think you should read it yourself Buffy. I'll drop back by a little later to check on you and maybe take you and Dawn out for dinner." Buffy sat down quickly on her suddenly uncomfortable couch. Angel strode over to her and lifted her chin up so that her gaze once more held his. "Buffy he really did love you I think. In everyway he could anyway. Give him a chance, ok?"

She couldn't say anything more as he stalked out of the room; she merely nodded as the door shut. After everything that she put Spike through in all of the years that she had known him, she could do this one last thing for him. She could understand him and his thoughts, but after that she was going to find a way to bring him back, and if she couldn't she would fight her way through heaven or hell to get to him. "Damn this world if you're not in it."


	4. Chapter 3: Safe in the Arms of the Dead

Disclaimer: So I do not know how the brilliant mind of Joss Whedon came up with the fantastic characters and story plots for Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel but somehow he did, and because of that he and mutant enemy own all rights to them, not me. I am making nothing from these stories, except less space on my hard-drive.

Authors Note: I am so sorry that this has taken SO long to update, I was gone all week and I have also had MAJOR writers block. There was something about this chapter that I just didn't like and I couldn't get right, so I had to go back and get more inspiration strait from the source, watching season 2, 4 and 5 always makes me want to write more and more Buffy fanfiction. I have got some of the next two chapters written but they are still in really rough stages, but with my inspiration back I hope to get those worked out soon! Oh and please don't be shocked with the slight Buffy pairing I did in this chapter I SWEAR it all works out in the end!

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: Safe in the Arms of the Dead<p>

Buffy had stared at the small beaten book for five hours strait. As soon as she read it's first entry she had stopped, knowing that what was contained in those pages was meant to be read at certain times, and certain times only. Spike was asking her to do something for him, and in some ways she knew that she couldn't begrudge him this last request, but it still shocked her

Talking to Angel and Dawn about it at dinner hadn't helped her much either. Sure they had been more than supportive, which from Angel was odd, but it was all still so much. Dawn had nearly jumped out of her chain when Buffy had told her what Spike's plan was. It was the happiest she had seen her sister in months.

For a long while Dawn had blamed herself for Spike drawing away from them in those last few months. She had been the one who threatened to set him on fire as he slept. Spike had also been the closest thing that Dawn ever had to a father figure, so she had not just lost a best friend but also in some ways her dad. Sure Giles had always been there for them but he had always looked at Dawn a little differently. Maybe it was because Dawn wasn't in the strictest sense "real", but whatever the cause Giles was defiantly Buffy's daddy not hers. Spike had never looked at her like that, he had always called her HIS nibblet or HIS little bit. But Dawn had gotten better, Buffy hadn't. For the first time in a long while Dawn saw some hope for her sister, and wanted to be completely supportive to make sure she did just what Spike had said.

Buffy rolled onto her stomach, slightly groaning into the pillow agitatedly. Angel had been way to helpful too! Surely she wasn't so far gone that Angel would be willing to push her into the arms of his dead childe. It was as if Angel knew something that he wasn't willing to tell Buffy, but she knew well enough that there was no pumping Angel for information, he was more stubborn than Spike when it came to that. He was acting very odd at dinner the whole time too, as though there was something standing right behind Buffy that only he could see. A couple of times it had bothered her so much that she had turned around entirely to figure out just what he was staring at.

As she lay in her bed snuggled under the slick yet warm sheets, letting her thoughts drift away from dinner and back to the beaten up book, that was becoming increasingly more worn around the edges from Buffy constantly worrying at it, it stuck her as odd how Spike could continue to surprise her even after… well after everything.

She had given up trying to sleep; it had successfully eluded her for so long that Buffy just cut her losses. Tossing once more onto her back to resume her study of the ceiling her mind wandered back to happier times. Laughing hollowly at the thought, she kicked her feet out from under her covers into the cooler air away from her silk cocoon; her happy times were rife with demons and apocalypses. They had been happy only because before when she got too hot at night she could cuddle up next to her perpetually cold lover. Not that she had done that too much when she had gotten the chance, she thought bitterly.

An hour later Buffy had to admit to herself that her mind was not just aimlessly running through old memories anymore, but that she was in fact planning. She didn't know how she was going to do what Spike was asking of her, but he had never lead her astray, not when it came to how he felt about her, not intentionally anyway. With a sigh she looked away from the ceiling, that now she knew every detail of, and to her slumbering partner, "Xan, you awake?"

"With you being Little Miss. Toss and Turn all night how could I not be? What's on your mind Buff?" Her and Xander had a complicated relationship. They didn't love each other, not anymore than they always had, and they both knew it.

For so long after the Final Battle, as it had come to be known, neither Buffy nor Xander could stand anyone's company but each others. Everyone else was just too light and full of joy for the pair. After spending two months in a self imposed prison together, not saying anything or really even looking at each other, a sort of dam broke between the two. In a flood of emotions they had kissed, both knowing that behind closed eyes Buffy could see nothing but peroxide blonde hair, and Xander could swear he smelled the perfume that he had bought Anya for Christmas and a faint ruffled smell of money.

A measly week after that Buffy had asked him to move in with her and Dawn, they figured he was over all of the time anyway it would just be simpler that way. At first Buffy kept expecting Spike to turn up and be spitting mad, but he never did, and never would. Truth be told Dawn was not terribly thrilled when he had moved in, but she sincerely hoped that it would make Buffy feel better. Dawn had been growing more and more scared that she was losing her sister. After getting over her own loss from the battle, she had begun to notice small changes in the blonde slayer. In fact the younger Summers was still haunted by the memory of that day, a week after the Final Battle, when she walked out into the kitchen to find her sister simply standing there staring at a knife not moving an inch. Dawn had stopped in her tracks and watched her sister, who made no indication that she realized that she entered the room, and after five minutes, in a fit of panic, Dawn shakily forced out her name.

It was not the eerie action of standing there that followed Dawn though, but the look in Buffy's eyes when she had looked up to her sisters call, it was like the light had gone out from Buffy. All of the flame that made her such a great slayer, and that Spike had raved about was just gone. Even when Buffy had been about to jump off of the tower to save the world so many years ago, there was fire, peace too, but more than anything the fire of courage and will. Now there was nothing keeping her sister going anymore. After Xander had moved in and no spark had appeared there, she had called Angel, who promised to do everything in his power to help.

"I have to tell you something important, I… well… I have to," Buffy wasn't really good with words, she was always more of a girl of action, and her brain had already been in control for far too long. Her instincts told her to just get out of the bed and take off, but she knew that she owed Xander more than that. He was her best friend, even if she didn't love him.

"When do you leave Buffy?" Buffy just stared at him through the darkness in a shocked silence. How could he be so sure? She wasn't even sure what she was going to do.

"What do you mean?" She hadn't told him about her meeting with Angel or any of the other events of that day, and though she knew that he had seen the book since it hadn't left her hands, but he hadn't asked about it. Had she been talking out loud as she thought or did he really know her that well?

"From the minute that I saw you looking over that hole that used to be Sunnyhell," she blanched at his casual use of a term that had once been solely Spike's, "I knew that you would try to get him back. I mean he was killed by some huge supernatural force right? Then there's the fact that when Willow tried to bring Tara back the giant talking head told her that it couldn't be done because she had died a human death." He turned at last towards her, up till this point he had just been looking intently at the fan in their room, and motioning with his hands. "Since Spike didn't die a human death, I figured it was only a matter of time before you took off to go get him back." He paused for a minute, unable to believe that he was about to say this, "Plus there's the fact that he died saving you, and the rest of the world. Surely that means he should have a chance to be saved too right?"

Why hadn't Buffy thought of that before! Surely Spike could come back, how had it been Xander, a man who actively hated Spike to note the fact that he had died in the line of duty. Surely the Powers That Be owed that two of them something for all of the sacrifices they had made.

Bad Buffy focus, this was not why she was leaving her "home" and family, "You're right Xander, but that's not it. I'd walk through hell to get him back but there is something that I have to do first. Spike asked me to do something for him, and I have to, all the things that I did to him, it's the least that I can do. Oh I was so bad to him, and he tried so hard to love me and be good for me and I used him, and I hurt him, and… and..." she was rambling now heading quickly for a break down, she knew it but she couldn't stop. She hadn't thought much about just how much she owed Spike until now. Partly because she was aware that there was nothing that she could do about it now, and the thought tore her apart. Now that it was all coming out she was breaking down.

Knowing that Buffy wouldn't be able to stop crying if she started now, Xander did his best to distract her again. She always functioned better when she had something to focus on, "Is that what that book is? You haven't said anything about it since I got home and you haven't let it out of your grasp, never mind your sight. Where did you get it?"

Sniffling a little but all in all glad for the distraction, Buffy looked down at the book that was still clasped in her hands. She had meant to put it on the bedside table before calling it a night, but the lingering smell of smoke and leather had been too much for her to part with, and honestly she hadn't really turned in yet. "Angel stopped by this afternoon, a little after Dawn left," she paused briefly, wondering if she should mention the bath incident. She decided against it, Xander would just freak out thinking that she was trying to kill herself, and he wouldn't take the news much better than Spike would have. "He told me he received it a little after the Final Battle with a letter saying it was for me."

Clearly very interested now Xander propped himself up on one arm and looked at her intently through their still darkened room, "Angel came by? Why didn't you tell me?"

Flustered Buffy sighed, clearly Xander had not gotten over his and Angel's age old feud. "He wants me to see the world Xander." This quickly silenced him. Buffy moved so that she could see him a little better. With her keener slayer vision Buffy could see Xander's shocked face through the darkness. Since he was clearly making no move to say anything further she continued. "Spike said that he wanted to take me to see the world that we both tried so hard to save. He wasn't sure that he was going to make it out, so he wrote down his entire plan and gave all the money that I would need for the trip to Angel. When we went out to dinner tonight Angel said that he thought it was a great idea. He even promised to help me find everything that I need, and that he would pull some strings to find me places to stay as long as I gave him a list of where I was to go. I can get on a plane whenever I want, he got me a private jet. I guess I didn't realize just how much he and Spike had saved up. " Buffy laughed, but it wasn't the hollow empty kind that had slowly replaced the full hearted one, but a genuine laugh that has for so long eluded her, "kinda makes me mad that I kept paying him for information when he already had all the cash he would ever need. Though I suppose it makes sense. All those years your bound to make at least a little dough. Then Angels got his huge law firm now, which I don't even pretend to understand!"

She continued to ramble for quite some time but Xander tuned her out. He was shocked, truly and utterly shocked. He had never liked Spike, everyone knew that, and secretly he had wondered if Spike even loved Buffy. In his mind no man who was truly in love with a woman would deny that she loved him, even if it wasn't true.

Xander knew that in many ways Buffy was way worse off than him, at least Anya had known that in some way he loved her. But Buffy didn't have that, she didn't just lose her, and he cringed at the thought, soul mate, she had lost the battle for his love too. Spike would always be separated from her because he hadn't believed in her enough to believe in her love. For all his talk about doing everything in his power to save her and her friends, Spike had killed her with his last words, which is something that Xander would never forgive him for.

Maybe he did care for her in some small way though, he thought sluggishly. Sleep was once more threatening to take him, though he doubted Buffy would sleep at all. A trip to see the world that they had both at one time or another had died for, might just save her. It was no secret that Buffy had never seen much of the world and she desperately needed to get out of California. She was dead inside and somehow from beyond the grave Spike knew exactly how to save her. It seemed like nothing would be able to stop him from loving her, and Xander saw that now. "So when do you leave?"

That was a good question. Buffy always traveled light, but she had no idea how long she was going to be gone for. The list of places was extensive and it would take quite a few days just to get from destination to destination, and the list of things that Spike wanted to do in each of those places was even longer.

The practical part of her was saying to take at least a week to get ready and make sure that she had everything in order at home. But the slayer part of her had other ideas. "I think I'm going to leave tomorrow. Dawn is old enough now to take care of herself and I know that you and Andrew will take care of her if she needs anything. Rent here is paid for the next six months, and Angel said that he would take care of it if I'm still gone." She looked over at Xander who was just staring at her with a slack jaw. Suppressing a giggle at his awed face, "I just have to get out of here. Maybe somewhere along the way I'll figure out how to save him," looking down at the journal she sighed, "he is taking me to some pretty exotic places."

"Don't you think you should call Giles first?" Xander was at a loss for words, but not for the reason Buffy thought. He was jealous that once more it would be a dead-who would save her and not him, but he was also overjoyed that Buffy was doing something spontaneous. Maybe just maybe Spike could save her just one more time, he could have kissed the peroxided pest. Well, thinking about it a little harder, he wouldn't go quite that far.

"Yeah I'll call him in the morning, I wouldn't want to wake him. I think Dawn already knows that I won't be here in the morning. To be honest I think she saw this coming. It's entirely possible that Spike talked to her before the Final Battle, you know how close those two were."

She finally got out of bed and started looking for a bag to throw some clothing in, she stopped as she grabbed her favorite black shirt and his first words to her came back, floating to the surface of her consciousness.

_Luv if your reading this I'm so sorry that I never got to kiss you just one last time. I know that you wouldn't have wanted me to but I wish now that I could go out of this world with the taste of your sweet lips on mine. I wandered this world for more than a hundred years looking for something, and I finally figured out what it was. It was always you Buffy. I was always looking for you, for your love, searching in every kiss from every trollup that came my way for your touch. You're my sunshine, my light, my heartbeat, my true soul. You were my whole world, and now I want to show you the world that I had to wander for all those years looking for you. I want to walk those once lonely beaches and city streets with you and show you what we have, now, both died for. If you are reading this it means that I will never get to do that but I still want you to see what you saved. Know this too luv I will be doing everything to get back to you. I don't think that I'll go to heaven like you did, vampire remember, but even if I do I'll give it all up just to walk with you one last time. I'm fighting like hell to get to you, please do this one last thing for me. Take the trip we should have taken together. I love you Buffy, with all of my unbeating heart._


	5. Chapter 4: Help Comes on an Angel's Wing

Disclaimer: I do not in any way shape or form make ANYTHING off of my story's which contain characters from Joss's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. He owns all rights to both of them I do not own anything from any of the characters. Hell I even have to have Spike's british dialogue extensively edited by my best friend!

Author's note: I am SO SO sorry that this chapter is so long in coming. I tried to write what is now chapter five first but it just would not come out right onto the paper. I kept feeling myself thinking about what Spike thought of Xander and Buffy living together, and what he was doing the whole day cooped up in her apartment. Because of that I decided to jot down some ideas in a small binder... which quickly became more than just a few ideas... and eventually became a whole chapter. This chapter is almost twice as long as all of the others, so I hope in some small way I hope that makes up for it! Also this chapter might be a little different from the others because I now have two fantastic people, Comet and Sir, helping me out with the editing of it. I love you both dearly. I hope that you all enjoy a little Spike chapter before Buffy sets off on her fantastic journey!

* * *

><p>Chapter 4: Help Comes on an Angel's Wings<p>

As Spike stumbled into another sterile, nearly entirely white environment, he had to fight the urge to just fall over and wait for the world to stop spinning. Apparently, as well as allowing him to talk to Buffy, Tara was also transportation. As Spike threw himself down onto the first thing that he could actually identify as a couch, he decided that traveling by wind was definitely something that he could pass on in the future, once this whole thing was over.

Slowly the world began to take shape around him, and the first thing that he noticed was how very little there was to actually notice. The apartment that he found himself in had white carpet and white walls. The only light that was afforded this small center room came from a window over the sink in the kitchen, which was only separated from what he assumed was the living room by a thin breakfast bar.

There was no art on the walls, and the whole place seemed as though no one actually lived here. He abandoned the idea that perhaps Tara had sent him to the wrong place only because, just as he was about to call out to the white witch, Dawn had appeared from one of the rooms whose doors faced the living area.

At least Nibblit looked good, though clearly worried. Her hair had grown out another couple of inches, and there were two deep purple streaks in it that nicely framed her face. Her too big green eyes, which had always reminded him of too much of Buffy's when she had been gone, were still the same as they had always been: bright, shiny, and full of life.

"At least it's only one Summers who's gone 'round the bend. Couldn't save 'em both if they'd each gone off their rockers," the blonde vamp muttered to himself.

He watched her slowly cross over to what he could only assume was Buffy's room to tell her sister that she was slipping out. Spike sucked in a useless breath, thinking that he was about to see his girl for the first time, imagining her golden sunshine hair flowing down around her shoulders, but she hadn't come out of the room. In fact she hadn't even said anything at all.

That brassed him off. Slayer knew how much ignoring Dawn hurt her, and damn if she was going to be doing it again. The door in front of him was shut tight but, ghost right? Should at least have a few perks! Surely the sodding Powers That Be weren't such wankers as to have doors stop him. If so, his job just got a lot harder.

Gritting his teeth, he walked defiantly towards the thin piece of wood that separated him from his heart's desire. At first he thought about just trying to stick his hand out to make sure he didn't walk straight into the bloody thing face first, but that was far too logical for Spike. He charged the door with a righteous fury that only a man in love could muster.

He then proceeded to bounce right off the hard surface so hard that he had to stagger back, tripping over the couch behind him in the process.

His duster billowed out behind him as he flipped, less than gracefully, through the air.

"Bollocks," he grumbled after landing flat on his ass on the hard floor.

Quickly he jumped up and straightened out his coat, as though someone would have been able to see his fantastic flip and fall. A little slower this time, Spike stalked over to the door.

He thought once more about pushing his hand against it to see if the wooden hell trap would yield this time, but the light from the kitchen window hit the shiny golden doorknob so that it glinted and glittered, drawing his attention. He reached down to it slowly, as though he was afraid that the thing might combust in his hand.

"Already burned once, don't much fancy doing it again."

A light wind drifted through the room, even though there were no windows open in the apartment. Spike's lips quickly quirked into a small smile.

"Ah, so it would be the white witch helping me out then, thanks luv."

As he reached down and slowly turned the knob on the door, he couldn't help but laugh that after all of these years he was the one about to barge in on the slayer's chambers. It made him almost wish that he could just kick in the door. Would serve her right! The door stayed firmly shut, but that little something that made it solid seemed to have melted away.

"Oh come on! Can't even let poor ole Spikey have even the smallest satisfaction of busting down her door? Oh no not their precious little 'Chosen One'! No wonder she always has her nose in the air about every sodding little thing! You just give her everything don't you?" Once more a wind lightly touched his face, but this time it had a cold bite too it. That stopped his rant quickly. If Slayer was just given everything, then he wouldn't be here trying to save the silly little bint. He'd be here doing something completely different.

The thought had quickly been driven from his mind when he stepped boldly through the door, which no longer offered him any resistance, and saw the sheets that were thrown casually on the floor from hours of sleepless tossing and turning.

Spike cautiously stalked over to the bed, pausing mere inches from its edge as her scent washed over him, and the warmth that the sheets had so selfishly stolen and held as she slept reached his fingertips. More slowly than he would have thought possible, he reached down, grabbed the now ruffled sheets, and stroked his hand across the scarlet material.

As it slipped under his fingertips, a well of memories came bubbling up to the surface. Buffy calling out his name as they were wrapped in each other's arms. The lost girl crying in her sleep as she remembered heaven and everything that she had lost. The look in her eyes when she told him that he disgusted her. The sound of her laughter at some joke either she or he had told.

"William, my William. Spike… no! Please, believe me! I'd do anything… no God not that not again!" Buffy's distressed voice broke through the silence.

With none of the care that he had taken with the sheets, he practically dove over the small space separating him from Buffy. She would always be his Buffy in the end, no matter if she loved him back or not.

The very first day that he had seen her at The Bronze he knew that she was his. He had to lure her outside and sacrifice a few of his minions just to be sure, but her power had always called out to him. It made his blood sing to be around her. He wasn't kidding the night that he found her in that house all alone and broken down. He loved her for everything that she was, good and bad, self-righteous and understanding, the slayer and the girl.

As he sat there with her sleeping so close to him, he couldn't help but stare at her with wonder. His ice blue eyes darkened with emotion, doubt and distress. What could she be dreaming of that would cause her brow to furrow and call out his name with that much care and worry? He desperately wanted to know so that he could try to help fix it. He wasn't one to stand by and do nothing when the girl he loved was in such distress. He took another unnecessary breath and called out to someone who meant so much to both him and the girl sleeping inches away.

"Joyce?"

A soft familiar voice filled his ears, "Yes, Spike?"

"Is there anyway that I can see her dreams without interfering with them? Ya know, be a ghost there too?" His eyes pierced through the dim light that was afforded to the room by the small ray of sun that pierced through the gap from the carelessly drawn curtains in her room. The look in the vampire's eyes at that moment held all the sorrow of Romeo as he gazed down at his dead Juliet, and the devastation poor Orpheus had as he watched his beloved Eurydice dissolve back into the underworld as a punishment for his lack of faith.

"There must be a price for that kind of gift, William, and it is not an easy burden to bear."

"Anything, Joyce. I have to know her nightmares if I am going to save her. Can't lose her again. Means the world to me, she does. Let me face your sodding challenge! I'd walk to hell and back for this one, you know that. I've done it once before already. Twice if you count reclaiming my soul." He stood and turned his back to the slumbering Buffy

"She loves you more than you know, William," a voice that was painfully familiar, but not Joyce's, said softly.

With a start he faced the door to see Dawnie looking right at him.

"How could you just not believe her?" She accused. "You left her all alone all over again. You were the only one who didn't give up on her. She trusted you for that, and you shattered her!"

Her chestnut brown hair flared out behind her, blown every direction by some unseen mystical force.

"Nibblit, I didn't," he protested. There was so much he wanted—no needed—to say to the young girl in front of him. The child, woman now, that he that taken under his wing and loved like she was his own baby sister. He reached a worn hand out to her, wanting only to brush a single strand of hair away from her face, ensuring that she was real. But right before his hand reached her perfectly smooth pale skin, the figure backed away from him.

"Don't touch me! You left us here, again! I swore once that if you hurt her I would set you on fire while you slept. Look at her, Spike. She's hurting, and it's all your fault." Her voice was dripping with distain and accusation. "I can't even hurt you now, though, you've taken even that from us. I never want to see your face ever again you… you… you stupid vampire!"

Spike couldn't help but smile at her lack of a serious threat, the monks that had made her a teen had done a very thorough job of it. His heart was breaking for her though, left all alone to mind to her sis. He should be there for them.

"You left me too you know?" Tears were welling up in her eyes now and the girl couldn't look up from the floor. Spike's cold, dead heart was breaking, and he hated himself more and more for every tear that spilled over onto her face. "You were my best friend, my secret keeper, the only guy in my life who ever even cared about me because I was me, not just the slayers sister. Even Xander only cared because he loved Buffy. You made me wear that stupid football helmet when we rode your motorcycle because you were afraid I'd get hurt. You were the one who made sure that I ate every night and got my homework done. When I wanted to break into the Magic Box, you were the one who followed me to make sure that I didn't get hurt. You got thrown off a tower trying to save me. And you just threw all that away! How are we supposed to go on without you?"

She broke down crying then, and Spike managed to move from the place where up till that moment he had been fixed, pulling her into a tight embrace, "Shh, Dawn, it'll be ok. I'll fix everything, Bit, just you wait and see."

Through her tears she managed to choke out one last message to him, "I'll never forgive you."

Then she vanished as a wind carried the swirling green mist that she had dissolved to out the door and away from his sight.

Dropping down to his knees, Spike howled at the ceiling and tore at his hair.

"You must know the pain that you have caused here, William. I told you that the price was high. You never felt guilty for killing, and you shouldn't. You killed for food and out of anger. Never torturing the way that Angelus did, whether that was due to lack of patience or some lingering spark of humanity, no one will ever know. But this you do feel. Letting down those you love, those you care for. In your time there have only been four people that you have ever truly failed. You have paid the price for what you did to your mother, the grief that you felt at the loss of Drusilla was real, and you are searching for atonement to save Buffy. You will have to do so much more to possibly make up for your shortcomings with Dawn. Leaving her did more than anyone else can see, for she must be strong for her sister. Even if you succeed in saving Buffy, you may never be able to elevate the pain that she feels."

He stood up in a fury.

"I will save Buffy," he ground out through clenched teeth, "and then I will make it up to Dawn. Even if she never forgives me, I'll never leave her again. Learned my lesson, don't plan on making the same mistake twice. Now I've paid your price. Show me her dreams. Now!" The last part was roared out as the demon came out. Throughout Dawn's speech, it had been hiding barely beneath the surface, and now that it realized that it could do nothing to help the girl, it snarled in defiance, wanting to lay anything that would ever hurt her to waste.

"As you wish, Spike."

Just like that a blinding white light flared up around him, banishing the demon back under the surface, but as fast as it had come the light was gone, and he was plunged into darkness.

"I love you."

It came to him then, the cave, the heat, the millions of hell beasts waiting to claw his Slayer into bits.

"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it. Now go! I want to see how it ends."

It was odd watching himself slowly burn away. He seemed to remember it hurting a whole lot more than it looked like it did. Maybe he had just put on a brave face for Buffy. Didn't want her last image of him to be weak.

"No, Spike, I'm not leaving you here, you stupid vampire!"

Spike had to do a double take. As his slayer's hand came down onto the other Spike's shoulder, his unbeating heart flipped in his chest.

_But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, __but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you. _

"I'm not just going to leave here knowing that you don't get it. I love you, Spike, and I'm not just going to let you die."

Jumping from her spot on the stairs, she ran to him, closing the gap in less than a second, and wrapped her body around his, pulling his dirt streaked face down to hers. There was still blood pouring steadily from her wound, but she put every ounce of slayer strength into holding her body to his. Slowly, the light bursting from his chest threatened to tear her away from him, but she only held onto him tighter.

"I love you, Spike."

Suddenly, an ear-shattering scream rang out through the cave as Spike and Buffy both caught fire. As he smoldered and flaked out into ashes so did she.

"NO!"

Then the heat was gone, and the real Spike found himself sitting on the carpeted floor of Buffy's room. A strangled sob escaped his lips.

"No, luv! God no! She doesn't save me, she just, she… oh, Buffy!"

Every night while she was gone, Spike imagined a different way that they could have a life together. There was hope in his despair, but this was different. Buffy didn't want a life with him; she wanted to die with him. Her greatest enemy, her match in every way, was the one she wanted to die with. He understood it in some sick way. Only he was allowed to kill her, and only she him. If they died together, it would be some sort of great justice, wouldn't it? They would never be able to leave each other; their ashes merged together forever.

Only the sound of a raggedly drawn breath stirred him from his horrifying realizations. He gently turned his head and really looked at his slayer, his love, his whole world, for the first time. The once tanned goddess sat in front of him, her now pallid skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and her golden blonde locks were dull from lack of sun. None of that detracted from her beauty though. She was still the most dazzling thing that he had ever seen. His own personal sunshine in the darkness that surrounded his life.

He raised himself up from the floor as she fought to control her breathing once more. Sitting up, Buffy pushed her hand through her hair. It had grown longer again. A smirk played at the corner of his mouth as the thought that it might have been for him crossed his mind. Warily he crossed the space between them and sat down once more on the bed next to her.

Her heart was beating wildly from the nightmare inspired adrenaline that still pumped through her veins. He reached his hand out to her to calm her, knowing full well that she would not be able to feel his touch. Her heart slowed though as he lovingly stroked her cheek and whispered soothing words to her. A single tear traversed her flushed face as she looked blankly at the place where he was perched. "Tomorrow, Spike. I swear I'll do it tomorrow. I'll save you. I have to."

Quickly she reached over for the alarm clock that sat beside her bed.

"Damn it," she swore under her breath. "Dawn! Xander!"

Receiving no response she sighed audibly, placing her head back into her hands as her fingers worked their way into her honey locks.

"One of these days I'll be a good sister."

_At least that's something_, Spike thought bitterly. _Feelin' regret for ignorin' her sis is better than not feelin' anything at all._

With a grimace, Buffy pulled herself out of bed and went about tidying up the room. Spike couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched her flit about, wearing nothing but a long black tee shirt, which barely came to the top of her thighs, leaving the vast expanse of her well toned legs open to his prying eyes. It was all he could do to keep his spot on the bed and not walk up behind her and wrap his arms around her skinny little waist.

She came towards him, and he made a hasty retreat to the wall opposite the bed as she went about picking the sheets off the ground and smoothing the white quilt over them, effectively hiding the only trace of him from the room.

He took a cautious step toward her as she stared down at the bed. Just as he did, though, she seemed to have made up her mind on what to do and breezed right past him and out into the main room of the apartment.

For the next hour or so Spike had followed Buffy around as she went about her morning routine. It was much the same as he had seen while he was still doing the whole limbo gig. Made her coffee, looked at the answering machines red flashing light and ignored it, opting instead for some telly time. When the show "Passions" had come on she angrily turned off the TV and thrown the remote across the room. Silly bint wouldn't know a good show if it ran around with fangs and tried to eat one of her mates.

That's when the poof had… well poofed in. One minute Spike was following Buffy back toward her bedroom, the next he was face to face with his sodding grandsire.

"What exactly do you think you're doing here? Slayer sees you here, and I'd wager she'd stake you good and proper. Not that I'd mind watching her kick your sorry ass, but I don't fancy being out an errand runner."

After that great display of poetic rubbish he had shown earlier, Spike was back into full bad boy swing.

Angel was having none of it. In one swift movement he had closed the gap between them and had Spike pinned to the wall by his throat.

"I am not your errand runner! You do not control me, got it, boyo?" In his anger, his old Irish brogue spilled out.

Angel was still at Spike's throat as he drew in a ragged breath to calm himself. Spike was always one of the few people that was able to bring Angelus out of Angel. Finally releasing his annoying partner, he shook off what was left of his anger.

"She can't see me. Not yet anyway. I just wanted to make sure that you were sure about this plan of yours. Making her leave Dawn is not going to be easy."

Spike visibly shuttered at the thought of his Nibblit, "She may be less of a problem than you're thinking, Grandpap. She seems to be just as scared as the rest of us about losing her sis. I'd wager if you got her and Bit together for dinner, she'd even help you out, which is something you're gonna need."

"Right. I'll do that. So where is she?" Angel glanced around the apartment, taking in the very little there was to see.

"Who? Dawn or the Slayer? Nibblet went out with her mates 'round about two hours ago, and Buffy went over that way right when you came in." Spike pointed down the hall. "Reckon she's gone to go take a bath or something of that nature."

Angel gave him a disapproving look.

"What? Wouldn't have followed her in. Buffy and I have more than our fair share of bad memories in bathrooms."

Angels gaze went from disapproving to furious in a fraction of a second. He absolutely hated the thought of what Spike had tried to do to Buffy, and even more than that he hated the fact that she had taken him back. Sure he'd gone and gotten himself a soul, but so had Angel. Why then was he not always welcomed home with open arms? Sure, Spike had gone and fought for his soul while Angel had been cursed with his, and okay maybe Angel had spurned the open arms when he did receive them while Spike had gone back seeking forgiveness. The more he thought about everything this stupid vampire in front of him had done to and for the only woman that he would ever truly love, the more confused it made him.

"How long you reckon we've been standing out here?" Spikes face had gone from smug and arrogant to concerned as the words escaped his mouth.

"Oh, I don't know," Angel broke eye contact with Spike to look down at his watch, "five minutes or so. Why?"

His brow furrowed with confusion as Spikes eyes slid shut.

One, two, three, four.

The steady heartbeat that Spike had come to know with a keen precision was not what it should be, in fact it was dangerously slow.

"Damn it, Slayer! She's not breathing!"

Spike was already halfway to the bathroom door before his words sank into Angel's brain.

"What?"

"Haven't heard her take a breath the whole time that we've been out here blathering." Having reached the door and finding that the handle wouldn't give when he went to turn it like it had last time, Spike threw up his arms in frustration. "Bloody useless, I am!"

Angel finally burst through the door and both vampires ran into the room looking for their missing Slayer. It was Angel who first caught sight of the blonde hair floating on the top of the water that filled the bathtub dominating the small space. Reaching into the water, he pulled a seemingly unconscious slayer out from beneath its glassy smooth surface, splashing Spike with the freezing water in the process.

At the sight of Buffy lying against Angel's chest, sputtering and trying to figure out what had happened to her, Spike lost it. A loud snarl ripped through his chest and echoed off the bathroom walls. It was worse than having to watch Angelus and Dru shag endlessly while he couldn't even get far enough away to not hear it thanks to that bloody wheelchair.

How was he supposed to save her when he couldn't touch her? He couldn't stop her from doing stupidly dangerous things, couldn't stop the nightmares, couldn't even tell her it was going to be okay when something reminded her that all she had was gone? He was absolutely useless without a physical form, without words to guide or remind her that she was beautiful. Hell, if he thought about it he was pretty useless even before that. Hadn't she gone and had a nice snog with Angelus as soon as he'd blown into Sunnyhell with nothing more than a pretty bobble and a smile? If she hadn't loved him then, how was she supposed to love him now? Wouldn't blame the girl if she waltzed into the sunset with the King of Brood and left ol' Spike there to wallow in the night.

"Well yeah, Angel, most people bathe naked, shocking as it may be to your old world sensibilities. And would you mind telling me just EXACTLY what you are doing in my apartment, never mind my bathroom. How did you get in here?" Buffy's voice was enough to drag Spike back from his fit of anger.

As he looked at her face, flush with embarrassment and annoyance, he remembered something. Angel had left her because he wanted her to lead a normal life, but when they both realized that normal wasn't what Buffy wanted or needed, it had been her to kick him out of her life. She had chosen him as her champion, not Captain Forehead or the Boy Wonder. Hell, hadn't she told Wonderbread that she didn't love him because of his strength? Hadn't she pulled back from him because he was trying to replace her?

Spike turned his gaze from Buffy to Angel who was trying his hardest not to make eye contact with the slayer and be one with the wall. For the first time in a long time Spike felt no threat from the vampire sharing the room with him. There was a reason that the Powers That Be had chosen him to save their slayer; it was because only he could. A smirk played across his face, and he crossed his arms over his chest. How could he have forgotten how great it was to watch Buffy tear into his grandsire? There was no one in the world that could cut as deeply with only words as Buffy. Spike knew that first hand.

"Maybe we should continue with this conversation when I'm a little less…" Buffy looked down at herself, "naked."

She shrugged her shoulders making Spike's smirk stretch even further across his face. It hadn't been so long ago that Buffy would have been horrified with anyone at all seeing her in anything less than those skimpy skirts and backless shirts, though honestly they never did leave much to the imagination. Oh how the mighty had fallen, and it was all because of him.

"Hey, Tara! Not sure how this whole talking to her on the wind thing goes. Mind giving a poor chap a hand?" Spike aimed his words at the ceiling, figuring that Tara was a part of the wind as well as an angel, both of which seemed decidedly upwards.

A wind tickled the back of his neck making him shiver, "Of course, Spike. Just look right at her and speak to only her. Even in a whisper she will hear you."

The wind left the room, and then suddenly returned even gentler than before as though it were nothing more than a whisper.

"Oh and, Spike? Do try to be kind to Angel."

"Can't make any promises there, luv. Got to be true to myself and all that."

With that, a tinkling sound floated through the room that sounded like laughter, then all was still again.

Spike walked over to where Buffy stood, watching every miniscule movement that her body made. She was holding the towel a little closer around her body now than she had been before, and the smile that had once played at the soft corner of her lips was now gone. A single strand of golden blonde hair was beginning to dry and curl around her ear. Reaching a hand out towards it, he attempted to tuck it back behind her ear so that it wouldn't tickle her face as it continued to dry, but his hand went right though the lock. Sighing, he looked once more into her eyes and followed her gaze to a hastily retreating Angel.

With a roll of his eyes he said, "Now Angel. There's a right git for ya."

A light breeze moved the small piece of hair as he spoke, and he knew it was working.

"Have you ever noticed, he never walks anywhere? He stalks or literally broods his way from one room to the next! It would be fascinating to watch if it wasn't so bloody irritating."

A smile rose to the surface but was quickly suppressed as Buffy shook her head and ran from the bathroom out into the hallway.

Spike had to move quickly to get back into the slayer's room before she shut the door and locked it. He once more grumbled about how unfair it was she could always just break down his door, but it seemed locks would stop him. He was going to have to have a word with Angel about that. He took a seat at her desk and watched her move around the room, touching things here or there, even lingering at her bed a moment as some semblance of a light flickered in her eyes. However, the light quickly went out as she jerked her hand away from the bed and walked defiantly over to her closet.

Once more her hand played across some black tank tops and tee shirts. Spike had to shake his head as he thought about just how perfect that girl really was for him, when he spotted her grab a strikingly familiar red button up. Buffy lingered on it for just a second longer than the rest of the shirts, and, had Spike not been so keenly tuned into Buffy's movements, he might have missed it too. There was something about that shirt that sparked something inside her, but he couldn't make the connection. She quickly went through the rest of her routine and headed back out to meet with Angel.

She stopped before she was far enough in the room for Angel to notice her and just stood there watching him fiddle with a little black book that Spike now knew extremely well. Buffy seemed to be sizing her former lover up with an appraising stare. Not wanting her to be too kind in her thoughts Spike felt the need to jump in.

"Don't forget his forehead, love. You could bounce a fifty cent piece off that thing never mind a quarter!" That actually made her laugh, a real honest laugh, not the fake ones that most of her friends heard and had been her trademark after she had been brought back from heaven. It was like music to his ears, and made William want to write sonnets about her.

God, this girl was something different all together! Drusilla had made him want to be a monster, to shove every bit of his humanity down into a little cage and forget about it. What had William ever done in his life? No one respected him. No one but his own mother loved him! So he did his best to get rid of William, and, for the longest time, he had. Spike had killed everyone who had ever seen him as weak and had shoved a railroad spike through the heads of those who had dared to oppose him. His dark goddess had been with him through it all. She'd been there the night that he killed his first slayer, and she had sent him on the trail to find his second. All the bloodshed and mayhem had been for her, and he had loved every second of it.

Then he got one glimpse of the sunlight that he had been missing for so long, and it woke William up. From that very first night in The Bronze, he knew there was something different about her. If there hadn't been, he would have fought her to the death in the alley that very night, but instead he gave up his element of surprise and marked himself as her enemy. It was William that wanted a fair fight, not the demon, who could really care less if a fight was fair as long as it was fists and fangs and fury. But this girl was different. So, so very different.

He watched as her delicate fingers traced the outside of his worn journal and felt his heart ache to beat as she slipped the photo out from its pages. In fact it felt like it was breaking as a single tear splashed down onto the slightly worn photo. The sun should never be hidden behind clouds. It was too bright to be locked away by small things like rain and storms. As her attention went back to the softened leather book, Spike could swear he heard her mumble something under her breath. He stepped closer and chuckled as he heard the words "William the Poet" slip from her mouth on a soft breath.

"William the bloody awful poet, pet. Don't forget the most important part of that." His comment received a small smile, which he gladly took, but then a line of worry creased the soft skin between her eyebrows. Then, almost as quickly as the smile, it was gone, and Spike was left wondering what had caused it. He simply continued to stare at her face as he absentmindedly listened to Angel lie about how he had gotten the journal and comment that he hadn't read it and blah blah blah.

Spike rolled his eyes at the obviously rehearsed speech that Angel was currently giving Buffy. Angel was terrible at lying. Now Angelus on the other hand, there was a bloke who could lie through his perfectly straight teeth.

"I didn't read any of it. Somehow, I think Spike would figure out a way to come back and haunt me from beyond his dusty grave if I had." At that Angel looked straight at him, and for the first time Spike was sure that he could see him even though Buffy could not.

He sucked in his cheeks, placing his tongue firmly behind his front teeth and leering at the older vampire. As if to accent his point, Buffy laughed and commented, "Don't worry. I think he will anyway for that little stunt you pulled in the bathroom."

"You can pretty much count on that one, mate!" Spike then spent the next few minutes enjoying watching his slayer make Angel squirm. It was so much better watching someone else be on the receiving end of the slayer's pointed questions and glares, which truly were things of beauty only mastered after years of practice.

After a while Angel made his way over to Buffy, and Spike felt himself bristle with protective jealousy. A low growl even escaped his lips as Angel dared to touch Buffy's chin and lift her gaze to his.

"Buffy, I think he really did love you. In any possible way he could, anyway. Give him a chance, okay?"

At that, Spike froze in shock. He was so baffled by the idea that Angel was fully renouncing the claim he had on her that he missed his grandsire's brooding exit. If Angel was giving up Buffy, then there must really be nothing to stop her from…

He couldn't even bare to entertain the thought of what would become of his goddess if he failed to save her.

A scary look passed over Buffy's face. It was the look of pure determination that put even Red's resolved face to shame.

"Damn this world if you're not in it."

Though she couldn't have known that Spike was in the room, he knew that she was talking to him. He sat down beside her on the couch and watched as she read his journal.

He could read almost every emotion that flashed across her face as she read it. At first there was sorrow. That one he could understand. She had just lost one of her best friends, and this was just a painful reminder of that fact. Then came longing. Again understandable. He was describing far away places that she had always wanted to see. Then the more confusing emotions came: fear, anger, resentment, and the more soft hope and wonder, even a giggle at his terrible imagery. But there was still one that he couldn't name. One that he had never seen in her eyes before. It was as though there was a dull fire that burned just under the surface, but it wasn't a cold, angry fire like the one that lit her eyes as she was fulfilling her life's goal and her destiny. This flame was subtle but much hotter than that. It was also deeper and more complex. As though that single emotion held all the others in its grasp and molded them into something new and beautiful.

Just as he was about to name it, Buffy stood up and ran back into her room, clutching the journal tightly in her arms. This time his slayer was too quick for him and shut the door, locking it, before Spike was able to register what was going on. For the next two hours he was forced to wander aimlessly around the small apartment. At one point he was so terribly bored that he almost wished the great poof would reappear just for some entertainment.

When Dawn came back home, he began to follow her around. Her room was smaller than Buffy's but much more decorated. The room had a green bedspread and posters littering the walls. Like her sister's room, there was also a cardboard box full of weapons, so at least someone was training her to protect herself. Spike sighed with relief, glad that at least someone was helping Buffy patrol, though he felt a little guilty afterward about the fact that the person had to be Dawn when it should be him. Unlike her sisters room though there were several framed pictures from Sunnydale. She must have stored them in her pockets before the battle.

The first was a picture that Spike knew only too well. It showed Dawn, Joyce, and Buffy crashed out in the park, enjoying a nice picnic. Then there was a few of the Scoobies, either researching or partying at The Bronze. There was also one frame that was turned down, its picture hidden against the dark oak of the dresser.

As Spike walked further into the room, relinquishing his post leaning against the doorframe, Dawn whipped around and stared right at him. As she continued to stare at him, he shifted uncomfortably from one foot for the other, sure that she couldn't see him, but feeling that he should hide from her all the same.

"Spike?" The word slipped from her mouth before she could stop it, and she quickly put her hand in front of her traitorous mouth to stop any more from escaping. She once more scanned the room before running out of it to look around the apartment, almost as though she expected him to just be sitting there on the couch watching "Passions" waiting for her to come out and talk with him.

Spike once more leaned against the frame of her door, watching her franticly search all of the rooms for him. He wished that he could stop her and tell her that he was right there with her, but he knew trying was pointless so he spared himself the pain and just watched her.

For what seemed the millionth time that day, his heart broke at the sight of her running back into her room with a tear just beginning to form in the corner of one eye. He was so shaken by that little drop of water that he didn't move as she came back into her room, walking straight through him in the process. As soon as she passed through him, she stopped once more, looking back to where he stood. Then she continued over to the same turned down picture Spike had been looking at before she had noticed he was there.

It was a picture of him, leaning up against the tree that for so long had served as the marker for just how close he could get to Buffy. He was staring up through the large green leaves, smoking and looking at the stars. Dawn clutched the picture close to her chest and looked once more at the place where Spike was standing. Unlike her sister, who had looked through Spike, Dawn seemed to be looking directly at him, though admittedly at his chin not his eyes.

"I'll never forgive you for leaving me, Spike, but if there is anyway that you could save Buffy, I might consider not killing you all over again." She looked down at the picture once more. "I'm not imagining this, I'm not! I really felt him- feel him. This time it's real. I can't see him, but it's real."

"Dawn, I need to talk to you!" The sound of Buffy's voice pulled Dawn out of her self-reassurance, and she fled from the room, gently tossing the picture of Spike onto her bed, discarded but not forgotten.

Deciding it was best to let the sisters have their own moment, Spike stayed in Dawn's room, looking over her collection of burnt and bent photographs and wondering about how the two had gotten to be here. How was Buffy making it through day to day looking after Dawn? Were the two in any sort of financial struggle like they had been in Sunnydale? Just where were they living?

The first question was answered almost immediately when he looked at the open diary on Dawn's desk. She wasn't. Apparently most of Buffy's days were spent in bed, only leaving her room when Dawn or Xander, who was apparently living there as well, forced her to eat something, or when she thought no one else was around. She never left the apartment when the sun was up. In fact, according to a count that Dawn had running at the top of the page, Buffy hadn't seen the sun in over a month.

The council was at least paying Buffy now, sending her checks monthly as payment for her service to the world. The last one had come only yesterday according to the diary. So Giles was running the council now. The thought intrigued Spike. He had to do a better job than any of the other gits who were in charge when Buffy had quit. He remembered the day that he was told what exactly the council had done to Buffy. Trying to kill an eighteen year old girl, never mind the fact that when their plan had gone awry it had nearly killed her mum too, was just evil, even by Spike's standards.

When he heard Angel knock on the door, Spike realized just how long he had been standing there looking down and thinking. Must be going with him to dinner after all.

Throughout dinner, Spike had made faces at Angel from his spot standing behind Buffy. In fact a few times Angel himself had shot him a few dirty looks when he thought that Buffy wasn't looking, though when she actually caught him, she turned all the way around in her chair looking for the person or demon that had his attention. It was so humorous that Spike had fallen over laughing at the ridiculous sight of Buffy's nose scrunched up in concentration obviously trying to send her slayer sense out over the crowd looking for signs of danger.

When they had finally gotten back to the apartment, Xander was sitting on the couch reading a book, which in and of itself surprised Spike. The entire time that he had been held captive in Harris's apartment, Spike never saw him pick up a book that wasn't mostly comprised of pictures. Then the whelp had done the unthinkable!

As Buffy walked toward him, he set the book down next to him, stood up and given her a kiss. Immediately Spike went on the offensive, snarling protectively and punching Xander straight in the jaw. His first went straight through his head though, and the momentum of the punch swung him around causing him to lose his balance and stagger across the room. When he corrected himself, he saw Dawn kiss her sister goodnight and go back into her room. The urge to follow her instead of watch the bumbling oaf put hands on his girl was almost too strong to resist.

He managed to hold his ground for the next half an hour, since the kiss seemed to be the only sign of affection the two showed for each other. He still was sending daggers at Xander the whole time even though Buffy wasn't even sitting anywhere near him. When the two of them both stood up and walked into the same bedroom, Spike had lost it all over again, sending his frustration into the nearest thing he could find, punching a wall so hard that if he had actually been there, he would have sent his hand straight through it.

"She's sleeping with Harris! You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Spike was seeing red. There was no way that his girl would stoop so low as to go from him to that whelp. Where was Xander's precious demon girl, anyway? She had always had some bizarre obsession with Harris, though, he scoffed. The girl clearly had more talents than that boy deserved.

He eventually calmed down enough to throw himself down onto one of the extremely uncomfortable couches, though he was still grumbling audibly.

"Probably should have warned you about that one."

Spike had been so wrapped up in his angry fit that he hadn't even noticed Angel appear in the room.

"Actually better that you didn't, mate. Nearly punched Harris in his stupid face when I found out. Since I can actually hit you, it's a good thing you weren't around." He didn't even turn to look at his grandsire, though he could hear him sitting down on the other couch. "How come Dawn knows I'm here?"

Angel leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees as he rested his weight on them. "She was once nothing more than energy, the key made human, much like you are now. I think that she is more in tune with the universe than the rest of the people that Buffy surrounds herself with, More so than even Tara was when she was alive. She can't see you, but she still knows your presence is there."

"Ah, well that makes sense. In a stupid one-with-the-universe kind of way." The two of them lapsed into an amiable silence before Spike finally turned to look at Angel. "She doesn't love me, you know. Just doesn't have anyone else who understands her like I did. I was her match, my strengths met her weaknesses, and she was good at everything I wasn't. In a just world we should have gone out together, cause neither one of us could ever get the better of the other. She just misses her greatest enemy, that's all."

When Spike managed to meet Angel's eyes there was pity in them. "If that's not love between two people that were really meant for each other, I don't know what is."


End file.
